Trump Vindicated, Climate Change Proven A Product of Imagination

Sunday, April 30th, 2017

Today marks a monumental day in environmental history. The results of a recent meta-analysis of twenty-seven independent studies have officially been released to the general public, and they prove beyond a reasonable doubt what most of the world has believed all along: climate change is actually a figment of our collective imagination. It turns out that our planet actually operates like a giant sponge; all of the pollutants, toxic smog, and non-biodegradable plastics that humans release into the natural environment are actually safely reabsorbed into the planet on a regular basis.

This process, known as hyperbiodegradation, has profound implications that reach all the way down to our fundamental understanding of this planet we call home. Until now, we believed that pollutants lingered around, slowly piled up, and gradually choked the life out of our Earth. However, now we know that hyperbiodegradation kicks in almost immediately upon their submersion into natural matter, be it water or earth (dirt, sand, etc.). First, they’re instantaneously broken down into their core molecules, then they are reassembled into new natural resources. Any waste left over from this process permeates through the Earth until it reaches the magma-filled inner core, where it is promptly incinerated.

“It’s just about the cleanest and most convenient process possible!” said Yale University Department of Environmental Science chair Eduardo Garcia. “Now, instead of having to worry about a plastic bag taking years to decompose, I know that I can just bury it in my backyard and it will turn into a bar of gold or a deposit of petroleum!”

When asked about how he felt about these new discoveries, his grin faltered for a moment. “Yeah, I guess all this stuff is wrong,” he said, gesturing to a small library’s worth of what were formerly considered the authoritative texts in the field of earth science. “They all supported the idea of climate change, and so did my colleagues and I. Well, I guess that’s what we get for letting ourselves be blinded by empirically-verified scientific research.”

Though he, and every other disgraced “expert” in the field of environmental science, will probably be out of the job soon, thanks to his newfound faith in hyperbiodegradation, he's not concerned about his future. Gesturing again to his stack of worthless scientific texts, and then to a shovel, he proclaimed: “I’m going to become a jeweler!”

In addition to illuminating the process of hyperbiodegradation, the meta-analysis also found sufficient evidence to suggest that animals might be far smarter than we'd ever suspected; many animals have learned to use the garbage in their natural environments to give themselves an advantage in the fight for survival. This is clearly apparent in phenomena such as the Aluckules effect. Named for the Greek hero Aluckules, who was renowned in classical mythology for disguising himself as a terrifying monster to scare those who refused to worship the gods of Olympus, the Aluckules effect is the ability of some animals to assume the mantle of something scarier than themselves to avoid predation. This phenomenon has been offered as an explanation for the unique and intriguing relationship between trash and sea animals. 

Marine biologist Myra Allenson explains: “Before, when we saw a marine animal entangled in a piece of trash, we assumed that it was stuck.” However, the Aluckules effect tells a different story. Allenson says that “now we know these animals are really just trying to change their shape to confound and intimidate their natural predators. While a shark might normally see a lone sea turtle as a tasty snack, that same lone turtle with a plastic 6-pack holder around its neck is instead perceived as an ‘alien’ unrecognizable as prey. It also leaves the shark to wonder, with notable apprehension, where the other five might be.”

Additionally, one of the studies found that the fundamentals of global warming are far simpler than we'd been lead to believe. It turns out that global warming is not caused neither by our actions nor any mythical “greenhouses gasses”—nothing we've ever done has harmed this planet. Instead, an ancient natural cycle is to blame. Mankind is familiar with the concept of an ice age, but its inverse, a lava age, hasn't yet received sufficient media attention. Through events far outside of our control, every few thousand years the Earth enters either an ice age or a lava age. It appears that we now stand on the brink of a lava age. Transition periods like this are frequently marked by mass extinctions, including that of the dominant species.

However, this is no cause for alarm; according to prominent environmental historian William Zagoran, “though most of Earth’s biodiversity is done for, us humans have a much better understanding and love of the Earth than any mere animal; we alone understand and appreciate what it does for us, and we show our appreciation by undertaking endeavors to help it, like engaging in frequent pollution to ensure sufficient fuel for natural processes like hyperbiodegradation.” With knowledge born of our unique esteem for the environment at our disposal, it seems that we’ll be able to ride out the impending cataclysm without any trouble at all.

Among the first to react to these fascinating new findings was United States President Donald Trump, who unleashed a flurry of jubilantly triumphant tweets this morning. “Knew it all along,” he claimed in one, while in another, he stated that “ingenuity like that displayed by the scientists behind these studies is what makes America the best country ever!”

The public seems to agree with him; this morning, Trump’s approval ratings hit 97%, an all-time high for him. Dozens of  Republican, Democratic, and Independent officials at all levels of government have taken to social media, news programs, and radio shows to announce their support for Trump. 

In a special White House press conference this morning, Sean Spicer proudly declared that “we always knew President Trump had a special ability to find hidden truths in what others might call ‘unlikely places.’ Despite the baseless shrieking of his detractors, the climate-change-disproving evidence that Trump knew was out there did indeed turn up.” This evidence also explains Trump’s apparent lack of action on the environmental front. Spicer explains: “He knew that it was best for America and for the planet to allow hyperbiodegration to run its course. As the President told me, ‘Contamination and poor water quality obviously can’t harm the Earth; they will be the stepping stones on the path to make America great again!’”

When supporters of eco-friendly causes learned that Trump’s apparent callousness towards our natural world was actually a hidden and deep-seated love for Mother Earth, the response was immediate. Yesterday’s “100 Days Is Enough” anti-Trump protest ended in violence when a passionate anti-anti-Trump protest group 10,000 Earth-lovers strong arrived on scene. 

Marissa Tirrel, one of the Trump protest protestors and a lifelong supporter of the “Go Green!” movement, told CNN that “I've always been the type of person who sticks up for what she believes in, so I feel awful for misjudging Trump for so long. I was such an idiot.” She wiped a tear from her eye and continued, “he truly does care about the environment… I thought that he was ignoring empirical evidence for the sake of political gain, but he's really just known better than those unpatriotic scientists all along. Now I see it: in our approach to conservation, we could all stand to be a little more like Donald J. Trump.”

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There are no sources to cite because the above article is satirical. I made up all the statistics, quotes, and concepts.

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I wrote this piece in The Art of Persuasion @ Verona Area High School.